You Spin Me Right Round Baby
by eenodol
Summary: Randal cooks up a plot to keep as much business out of the RST as possible. In the process he destroys Dante's car. Super Eighties flashback included at no extra cost to you! (Clerks: TAS fic.)
1. Default Chapter

The following television show is entirely ficticious. Any similarities to the history of any person, living or dead, or any actual events is entirely coincidental and unintenional.   
  
Except where noted in the cast and crew credits, all celebrity voices are impersonated and no celebritieshave endorse any aspect of this show.  
  
We are however not not endorsed by Carrot Top, who did not answer the phone when we called to ask for his endorsement.  
  
  
--  
  
  
(Ring, ring...) (A telephone is ringing! In Dante's house.)  
  
Dante: Ahhh! (Throws a baseball trophy at the phone to cease it's ringing.) Hey, where'd that trophy come from?  
  
(Screen becomes wavy as Dante flashes back to the morningafter his high school reunion. He is laying on the floor holding the trophy.)  
  
Dante: Manager.. Oh, manager...  
  
(Screen waves back to Dante in his bedroom.)  
  
Dante: No, really, where the hell did the come from? Ahg, well, I ought to go ahead and open up the store, I guess..  
  
(Cut to Dante pulling up to the Quick Stop.)  
  
Dante: Wait a minute, why are the lights on?  
  
(Dante goes to open the door which swings open, causing Dante to fall right at Randal's feet.)  
  
Randal: Hey now, why are you here?  
  
Dante: No, why are you here?  
  
Randal: I'm opening. Didn't the boss call you?  
  
Dante: Well, then why haven't you opened the shutters?  
  
Randal: I figure we'll get less customers this way. Only the smart ones will figure out that we're open.  
  
Dante: No, the smart people would turn away and go to an obviously open shop. The dumb ones'll try to get into the closed looking store.  
  
Randal: No.. but... um.. Shut up.  
  
(Open credits.)  
  
Randal voice over: Clerks is edited by a live studio audience.  
  
(Shot from within the Quick Stop. Dante is standing behind the counter reading a newspaper. Randal is filching snackcakes and yoohoos for breakfast. He approaches the counter.)  
  
Randal: I got you a soda, Dante.  
  
Dante: You bought a soda?  
  
Randal: No, I got you one out of that cooler back there.  
  
Dante: Dammit randal, if you get free drinks then everyone will want free drinks, and then there'll be no drinks left.  
  
Randal: That's not true. Remember when you let us have that Gatorade for the hockey game? We didn't run out of that.  
  
Dante: Yes we did.  
  
Randal: Oh yes.. It's all coming back..  
  
(Screen goes wavy. Dante is sitting on the floor of the freezer wearing a diaper and dumping Gatorade on a cat.)  
  
Dante: I'm Dante and I'm the biggest idiot ever.  
  
(Screen waves back to the Quick Stop.)  
  
Dante: Fuck you.  
  
Randal: Hey, don't blame me for your Gatorade wasting.  
  
Dante (looking down at paper): Hey, the Big Choice video is shutting down. That's good, now there'll be more business at the RST.  
  
Randal: Good? Are you retarded? Business is bad! It's exactly what I don't want! I have to stop them from shutting down. But how?  
  
Dante: Knock it off Randal. Why don't you go open the video store?  
  
Randal: I think I will. And I say goodday to you.  
  
(Randal walks over to the RST video, but is tripped by Jay, who then proceeds to laugh at him.)  
  
Jay: Watch where you're going, ya cocksmoking clerk.  
  
Randal: Gopeddle your wares elsewhere, burn boy. You stupid stoner fucks (Stands up and brushes himself off) standing around here doing nothing. I have to go open the damn video store so that i can borrow Dante's car to go rent movies. Unlike you two, I have things to do.  
  
Jay: Ah, shut up. Me and Silent Bob here are on the job. And if you really hate the store so much, why don't you just quit and let some other dumbass do it?  
  
Randal: Yeah, like anyone else is stupid enough to. Wait a minute.. What would you guys say if I said I could pay you twenty bucks?  
  
Jay: I'd say fuck no, I ain't going down on no guys, specially some stupid ass clerk. Tubby here, on the other hand, might be willing to-  
  
(Jay is halted midsentence by Bob's glare.)  
  
Randal: No, what I mean is what if I paid you twenty bucks to stand here like you're already doing and keep people out of the video store.  
  
Jay: Fuck yeah bitch. You hear that Silent Bob? We're making twenty bucks.  
  
Randal: Alright then junkie, I'll pay you when I get back.  
  
(Randal goes and unlocks the door to RST, then heads back over to the Quick Stop.)  
  
Dante: Back so soon?  
  
Randal: Actually, I had an epihany regarding my social status as a clerk. I don't have to work if someone else does it for me.  
  
Dante: And who is running the RST?  
  
Randal: A very qualified craftsman.  
  
(Flash over to Jay and Silent Bob in front of the RST. A customer walks in, then after a few seconds walks back out again.)  
  
Customer: Hey, I want to rent a movie and there's no one working. Where's the clerk, can you ring me up?  
  
Jay: It's not my fucking job. Why don't you just take the damn movie?  
  
(Flash back to Quick Stop counter.)  
  
Randal: So, now that the video store is in good hands, can I borrow your car?  
  
Dante: Fine, but hurry back.  
  
(Fade out to commercial.) 


	2. Fun at Big Choice.

(Randal is at the Big Choice Video.)  
  
Randal: You see that shelf of new release?  
  
Clerk: Yes.  
  
Randal: I would like to rent them all.  
  
Clerk: Do you have a membership?  
  
Randal: Yes. Graves, Randal.  
  
Clerk: It says here that you owe over two-hundred dollars in late fees.  
  
Randal: Did I say Graves? I meant Hicks. Dante Hicks.  
  
Clerk: Okay sir, well, you will actually need to go get each movie you want. I have to have the barcode in order to ring them up.  
  
(Two hours and fifteen minutes later.)  
  
Randal: And finally the abomination they call Battlefield Earth. Travolta's getting desperate.  
  
Clerk: That'll be $1,204.98.  
  
Randal: I'll charge that. Number 548 5642 322. Name Dante Hicks. Expires 02.  
  
Clerk: Thank you... I think.  
  
Randal: You're welcome.  
  
(Back at RST.)  
  
Customer: How much is this copy of The Waterboy?  
  
Jay (Sitting on the counter smoking up): Free if you buy a dime bag.  
  
Customer: A what?  
  
Jay: Hey Silent Bob, this guy doesn't know what a dime bag is. Please remove him from the store and make sure he takes his stupid ass movie with him.  
  
(Silent Bob throws customer out. Customer walks next door to Quick Stop.)   
  
Dante: Can I help you?  
  
Customer: Yes. What is a dime bag and do you sell them?  
  
(Fade to commercial.) 


	3. 37 is not much more that 35.

(Dante enters RST and sees Jay.)  
  
Dante: Hey, where's Randal?  
  
Jay: I dunno, something about going to rent all the movies at Big Choice.  
  
Dante: He's still gone?  
  
Jay: Yeah, but I don't fucking care. I made twenty bucks. Tis a sweet deal man, I'm making the mad phat cash.  
  
Dante: Hey, where are all the movies?  
  
Jay: Where do you think? They got rented, you cocksmoking clerk.  
  
Dante: But you don't know how to run the cash register.  
  
Jay: So, whats your point? It's not my job to ring people up.   
  
Dante: But Randall's supposed to be here working.  
  
Jay: I don't see you workin'. Fine example you're setting for your star wars lovin' lover.  
  
Dante: I'm not gay. And stop giving away free movies.   
  
Jay: Fuck you.  
  
Dante: Fair enough.  
  
(Cut to Randal driving back from the Big Choice.)  
  
Randal: De ba deep be deep be deep doo.. Wow, Dante's car really kicks ass now that it goes over 35.  
  
(Flash to shot of speedometer- 147 mph.)  
  
Announcer radio voice: And for today's eightie's flashback, we'll be playing Dead or Alive's smash hit, "You spin me right round"!  
  
Randal: Oh my god! I haven't heard this song since 1987!  
  
(Screen goes wavy..)  
  
Barry White-esque voiceover: Flash back to little Randal in the summer of 1987 in the parking lot of a Morris Day and the Time concert.  
  
1987Randal: Man, the Time sucks ass. Why the hell did I let you drag me to this faggy stoner convention for stoner fags?  
  
1987Dante: I like the Time. What's wrong with the Time?  
  
1987Randal: huhhuh. Hey look, there're those two stupid stoners who hang out in front of the Quick Stop. And they're making out with Caitlin in the painter's van. huhhuh. That makes four and a half times she's cheated on you. Five and a half if you count the stoners seperately.  
  
1987Dante: What? Where?  
  
1987Randal: It's a threeway. An all stoner three way.  
  
1987Dante: Shut up man. Let's just get in the damn car and go.  
  
(Get in car.)  
  
1987Randel: Damn, I wish your car went over thirty-five.  
  
1987Dante: Me too. I mean, shut up. Turn on the radio.  
  
1987Randal: Okay.  
  
(Turns on radio. "You spin me right round" is on.)  
  
1987Randal: Man, I hate this stupid song. It almost sucks worse than the time.  
  
(Randal turns off radio.)  
  
(Flash back to present.)  
  
Randal: Man I love this song!  
  
(Cranks up radio. Car careens off the road as he sings loudly.)  
  
Randal: You spin my right round baby, right round, like a record baby, right WAAAHG!  
  
(Car hits tree and trunk pops open. Tapes rain out and into a convieniently placed wheelbarrow. Randal gets out of car and walks to wheelbarrow.)  
  
Randal: Man, all the tapes landed in this wheelbarrow. Wait a minute.. American Sweethearts, Angus, Armageddon, damn Affleck sucked in Armageddon, these are all in order. Alphabetical order. Man, those losers put Magnolia after Mallrats. Hey, Affleck sucked in that one, too. Oh well.  
  
(Randal picks up wheelbarrow and begins to walk towards Quick Stop. About three hours later he arrives there and walks into the RST.)  
  
Randal: Wait, what happened to all the movies? Oh well. Good think I just got all these.  
  
(Begins to place the Bog Choice movies on shelves as Dante enters.)  
  
Dante: It's closing. Where the hell have you been all day?  
  
Randal: Renting movies.  
  
Dante: Where's my car?  
  
Randal: Umm.. (Points at Jay and Bob thoug the window.) They stole it.  
  
  
  
Annoucer: Next week on Clerks.  
  
Jay: Man, I didn't steal no cars, man.  
  
Policeman: Tell it to the judge.  
  
(Jay turns around and faces Dante, who is wearing judge robes and standing behind the Quick Stop counter.  
  
Jay: Man, I didn't steal no cars, man. Why'd I wanna steal your piece of shit anyway? It doesn't even go over 35.  
  
Randal: Nah ah, they fixed that. 


End file.
